


Grief is the prize

by Idicted



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Adventure, Angst, Emotionally Hurt James T. Kirk, Emotionally Hurt Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Emotionally Hurt Spock (Star Trek), Gen, Hurt Spock (Star Trek), Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-08-20 19:39:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16562012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idicted/pseuds/Idicted
Summary: Kirk, Spock and McCoy are captured by a species whose cruelty they have encountered before. By now, however, their captors have given up on experiments and prefer to play games – and not the fun kind.





	1. Chapter 1

McCoy whipped around trying to make sense of what had just happened. A minute ago, he, Kirk and Spock had been standing on the surface of an ice planet which they had beamed down to to investigate an emergency signal, and now, they suddenly found themselves in a small room with concave walls, the security guards and their communicators and phasers gone. At least, they still had the rest of their equipment, McCoy realized, feeling for his medical kit and looking over at Spock who was already busy examining their new surroundings with his tricorder.

 

“Careful,” the Vulcan spoke up, “there is an accumulation of corrosive acid on the floor.”

 

McCoy looked down and indeed spotted a small puddle in the middle of the room, harmless looking and completely odourless but he knew better than not to take Spock’s warning seriously. Kirk was carefully avoiding the acid as the walked around the perimeter of the room, searching for an exit that apparently did not exist. The walls were perfectly smooth, no doors, windows or any other openings were to be seen.

 

Suddenly, McCoy lost his balance, but instead of falling down, he floated upwards, as were Kirk, Spock and a wobbling ball of liquid about the size of a fist, as well as several tiny droplets that had separated from the main body of liquid.

 

“What in the name of…?” McCoy asked as he tried to stay close to the ground but failed.

 

“It’s an zero-grav chamber,” Kirk informed them unnecessarily.

 

“Avoid the acid,” Spock warned again, keeping his tricorder from making contact with the floating ball which was rising higher and higher. McCoy ducked away as it wobbled towards him, but suddenly felt a sharp sting on his arm.

 

“Ow, god damn it,” he hissed, looking down at the place on his wrist where one of the small droplets of acid had burned a hole through his uniform shirt and into his skin.

 

“Outch, Jesus,” Kirk cursed moments later as the same thing happened to him, rubbing his shoulder.

 

“Don’t touch it, Jim,” McCoy warned. “I’ll have to clean and disinfect it.”

 

He looked over at Spock to see whether he too had made acquaintance with the acid but the Vulcan was gracefully evading the offending substance.

 

Suddenly, a computerized voice announced: _10 seconds to resumption of normal gravity_.

 

McCoy’s stomach dropped as Spock suddenly pushed himself towards the ball of acid, then the doctor’s entire body followed suit as gravity was restored to the room and he crashed to the floor, landing on his side.

 

“Shit,” he muttered as he climbed to his feet. Next to him, Kirk was already standing. McCoy turned around to look at Spock. The Vulcan was still on the floor on his hand and knees, the knuckles of his hands white from clenching them into fists.

 

“Spock…?” Kirk asked nervously but the Vulcan gave no reply, his face turned towards the floor.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

“Bones…” Kirk said pleadingly as he bent over Spock, but McCoy didn’t need his friend to describe what he was seeing, he had seen his share of chemical burns in his lifetime.

 

When he approached Spock, he was still shocked to see the Vulcan’s back, however. Angry green blisters covered the area of his shoulders and rib cage. The acid had melted away the uniform and black undershirt and had severed the strap of the tricorder which Spock had worn across his back and was now lying next to him on the floor.

 

Spock was shaking and breathing hard, whether because he was trying to control the pain or because the acid was affecting him, McCoy could not tell. He looked around frantically.

 

“I need water,” the doctor said desperately, knowing that before he could do anything to relieve his friend’s pain, he would have to wash off the remaining acid.

 

Almost immediately, the room in front of their eyes disappeared with a flash and they found themselves in a different one, sparsely furnished with a cot, two chairs and a sink, but again no windows or doors.

 

Kirk kicked the smooth wall in frustration. “What is going on here?” he demanded.

 

Immediately, McCoy made use of their new surroundings, carefully removing the remains of Spock’s uniform and was washing the acid off with water from the tap over the sink, careful not to burn his own hands in the process.

 

He led Spock over to the cot and gently pressed him down on it. The fact that the Vulcan not only sat but lay down without protest told McCoy all he needed to know about his condition. The doctor administered a painkiller, then carefully cleaned the large wound, disinfected it and finally bandaged Spock’s back. All the while his patient said nothing but he was white as a sheet and still hadn’t stopped shaking.

 

“Spock, I’m sorry,” Kirk said, glancing towards McCoy who was giving him an annoyed look, “I know you must be in pain, but I need to know what’s going on here? Why did you do just do that and do you have any idea where we are?”

 

“Jim…” McCoy protested. “Let him rest, please…”

 

“It is quite alright, doctor,” Spock finally spoke, sitting up. “I am functional, thank you.”

 

McCoy gave a long-suffering sigh but Spock continued.

 

“Jim, I’m not sure I understand what is going on or where we are; earlier, I merely acted out of logic. I understood that if gravity were restored, the acid would fall to the floor, as would we, and would have injured all of us in an unpredictable manner. I chose to absorb most of the acid in a controlled manner instead.”

 

“Spock…” Kirk was lost for words, but McCoy was feeling anger rise inside him.

 

“Absorb in a controlled manner?” he asked incredulously. “Spock, you’re not a towel, you’re a flesh and blood being. Chemical burns are unpredictable, you could have killed yourself. If we hadn’t had any water to wash the acid off, it could have eaten into the deep layers of your muscles, your organs… this isn’t just a scrape you can brush off!”

 

Spock raised an eyebrow. “I am aware of that, doctor,” he stated calmly but grimaced as he tried to move his shoulders. “Interestingly, when you asked for water, we were transported here. We cannot be sure that a connection exists but it is possible.”

 

Kirk rubbed his forehead. “So you think we’re being watched?”

 

Spock nodded. “It is highly probable, Jim. In fact this reminds me of...”

 

He didn’t get to finish his sentence. Just like before, it had happened without warning. There was a flash and Kirk and McCoy suddenly disappeared, leaving Spock sitting on the cot – alone.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

Kirk was unsuccessfully struggling against his restraints, growling in frustration. Only seconds ago they had been in the cell with Spock, now he and McCoy were tied to the top of a pole standing on a small island surrounded by a torrential river with sheets of ice floating in it. Kirk was surprised that not the entire river was frozen over given the artic climate of this planet but supposed its current was just to strong for it to ever freeze completely. He was shivering violently and McCoy wasn’t faring any better either.

 

As Kirk looked around, he realized that the cold and their awkward position were not the end of their problems. A figure was walking towards them, crossing another pole that connected their island to the snowy mainland like a bridge. The figure strode towards them purposefully, carrying an axe over his shoulder.

 

“Jim, you see that?” McCoy, who had evidently spotted it too, asked nervously.

 

“Yup.” Kirk couldn’t think of anything else to say. He turned his head, peering straight down to where the figure had stopped at the bottom of their pole. It was dressed in what appeared to be a suit of armour, the kind Kirk had been in Earth history books. The knight – if that’s what the figure was – raised his axe over his head and as he struck the pole Kirk and McCoy felt the reverberation of the impact. They looked at each other.

 

Kirk swallowed hard. “When we fall,” he said, estimating their distance from the ground, “we’re going in the water.”

 

McCoy took a deep breath. “Who is doing this to us, what is this for?” he asked desperately just as another shock went through the pole.

 

“No idea,” Kirk said, “but I intend to find out. HEY! Hey, you! What are you doing? Who are you? I demand some answers!”

 

Undeterred by Kirk’s shouting, the knight continued to pound the pole with the axe. That was until, with a flash and a pop, a second figure appeared on the other side of the river, on the mainland. Kirk felt a sharp pang as he recognised his first officer, his torso still wrapped in McCoy bandages.

 

“Spock!” he shouted.

 

“Spock!” McCoy joined in, his tone more concerned. “Jim, he really shouldn’t be up and moving with those injuries,” the doctor added, dismayed.

 

Spock glanced up to where his friends were trapped, then over to the knight who had walked towards the makeshift bridge and was now standing opposite Spock. As the Vulcan decisively set foot on the bridge, the knight dropped his axe in the snow and did the same on the other side of the river, both of them swaying precariously for a moment.

 

“My god,” McCoy mumbled. “That pole must be slippery as hell, it’s completely frozen over.”

 

Kirk felt his heart beating faster in his chest as Spock took a tentative step forward and the knight mirrored his movements. They were now about two metres apart, hesitating, waiting.

 

Another flash, another pop, and both Spock and the knight were suddenly holding swords, the weight of which almost caused the Vulcan to lose his balance.

 

“I don’t like where this is going,” Kirk said, his eyes glued to the scene before him.

 

The knight had raised his sword and was standing motionlessly, eying his opponent. Spock also raised his sword and took another step forward. And another. Suddenly, the knight lunged forward and the swords touched with a cold metallic clang, each man attempting to throw the other off balance.

 

“I can’t watch this,” McCoy mumbled but nevertheless kept his eyes fixed on the scene before him.

 

Finally, the two blades parted with a swish and a veritable fight ensued, both men slipping and sliding on the icy pole, swords clattering, until – and McCoy could have sworn time slowed down when it happened – the knight first knocked Spock’s sword out of his hand and then slashed his own diagonally across the Vulcan’s chest.

 

“NO!” Kirk and McCoy shouted simultaneously as Spock slipped and hit the pole, awkwardly hanging off its side, his feet too close to the rushing water.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

With his counterweight gone, the knight had not fared any better than Spock and was draped over from the pole in a similar manner to the Vulcan. Kirk and McCoy watched in agonized hope as Spock slowly made attempts to pull himself back up. Tense seconds ticked by as he scrambled for purchase on the ice.

 

McCoy closed his eyes for a second, praying to whatever gods would listen to lend the Vulcan the strength that was so clearly failing him. Then, there was a splash and in a panic, McCoy strained to see whether his friend had finally let go and fallen into the river. No, he realized with relief, Spock was still hanging on. It was the knight whose heavy suit of armour had apparently pulled him down into the river – he was nowhere to be seen now.

 

Impossibly slowly, Spock finally scrambled back onto the pole where he remained for a minute, unmoving. When he finally stood up, the place he had lain was tinged with green. He stumbled over the bridge unsteadily and shakily moved towards the pole Kirk and McCoy were tied to, leaving a trail of green droplets in the snow. Upon reaching the foot of the pole, Spock leaned against it heavily, trying to regain his composure and concentration before beginning to climb the pole.

 

“Spock, don’t!” Kirk tried to dissuade him, but the Vulcan determinedly, if painfully, climbed ever upward. Soon, Kirk could feel his restraints being loosened from behind. Once his hands were free, he grabbed onto the pole himself in order not to fall and turned towards his first officer who was busy loosening McCoy’s restraints.

 

For a moment the three of them wordlessly faced each other, holding on tightly to the pole, when suddenly Spock’s eyes rolled back into his head and his grip went slack. Kirk and McCoy each reached out instinctively with one hand, preventing the Vulcan from falling. With his arm around Spock’s shoulders, McCoy pressed his fingers to the Vulcan’s jugular.

 

“Shit, Jim,” he said, alarmed at how erratically Spock’s pulse thrummed beneath his fingers. “He needs treatment right away.”

 

Before Kirk could respond or even think about how they were going to get an unconscious Vulcan safely down the pole and to a medical facility, there was another flash and they once again found themselves in their small cell with the cot, chairs and sink.

 

Supporting Spock between them, they laid the unconscious man carefully down on the cot. McCoy was agonizing over how best to place him so as not to aggravate his injuries, which were now covering both his chest and back.

 

“Jim,” McCoy commanded, “come over here and hold him up.”

 

They manoeuvred Spock into a sitting position, his head lolling to the side until Kirk rested it in the crook of his neck while simultaneously supporting his first officer by putting an arm around his shoulders. McCoy began to clean and fresh cut on the Vulcan’s chest as well as the blisters on his back, once again exposed since the knight’s sword had cut through the bandages the doctor had applied earlier.

 

When he moved to reapply them, McCoy cursed under his breath, noticing that he had too few dressings left.

 

“Damn it,” the doctor spat. “I need more bandages, what do we do?”

 

Before Kirk could answer him, there was a flash and pop – almost familiar by now – and bandages appeared on one of the chairs. McCoy snatched them up, immediately beginning to wrap them around Spock’s torso, all the while muttering under his breath. When he had finished, they carefully placed Spock on his side.

 

“Can I make another request?” McCoy asked into the silent room. “Give us some more painkillers and a blanket, or better yet, just let him go!” He gestured towards the still unconscious Vulcan desperately.

 

When nothing happened, he threw his arms up in exasperation. “No?” he asked, mockingly, “nothing? So we get one request per torture session or how does this work? Who are you and why are you doing this to him?”

 

“Bones…” Kirk mumbled, his expression pained. He understood his friend’s frustration perfectly, looking at the prone form of his first officer, taking on his pale face and the streaks of green beginning to soak through the bandages.

 

Seconds later, it became apparent McCoy’s outburst had not been ignored. A flash and Kirk and McCoy suddenly found themselves in yet another room, this one with several monitors along the walls. Kirk looked around and immediately zeroed in on one showing Spock once again alone in the cell they had left only seconds ago.

 

“Jim,” McCoy whispered. “What is this place?”

 

“We can answer that for you, Dr McCoy,” a reverberating voice announced from behind them. Kirk and McCoy whipped around and found themselves face to face with two familiar figures.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you guess who captured our heroes?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slow update. It's only a dialogue/transition chapter but there's more action coming, promise!

_Vians_. Kirk and McCoy gaped at the two aliens before them with shocked expressions. Only six months ago they had encountered these two as they had captured the Enterprise officers as part of an experiment to determine an entire species’ capacity for empathy and compassion and thus its fate. Despite their extremely cruel methods which had very nearly cost McCoy his life, they had seemed to have benevolent intentions, resolving to save the species they were investigating from a supernova. But how did their renewed capture fit into this pattern?

 

Kirk was the first to recover his voice. “What do you want with us this time?” he asked angrily. “What is the meaning of all this?”

 

“Captain.” One of the Vians nodded at Kirk while the other strode over to the monitor showing Spock sleeping on the cot.

 

“This is all highly interesting,” the Vian continued. “You, and especially your two officers, are remarkable specimen. Truly remarkable.”

 

“Why are you torturing my First Officer?” Kirk blurted out angrily. “He has done you no harm.”

 

“Captain Kirk,” the Vian responded gravely. “I wouldn’t say we are torturing him. Merely… testing him. Besides, he volunteered.”

 

“What are you talking about?” McCoy joined the conversation. “Volunteered how?”

 

The Vian turned his attention to McCoy and the doctor felt a chill in his bones, thinking back to these exact same eyes boring into him as he was suspended from the ceiling in chains, pain wrecking his body.

 

“We were surprised, doctor,” the Vian replied politely, “that this time you made no effort to take the pain upon yourself. Mr Spock on the other hand has proven remarkably predictable in his responses. Our first test was to determine who cares the most. We were betting on you, doctor, but ironically it was the man who professes to have no emotions.”

 

“What do you mean ‘who cares the most’?” McCoy asked faintly, starting to feel sick.

 

The Vian regarded him coldly. “It is no mean feat to deliberately expose yourself to acid. He acted to save you. You, on the other hand, chose not to act. Interesting.”

 

“My god man!” McCoy shouted, anger contorting his face. “Has it crossed your mind that your little test was ever so slightly skewed? You’re only dealing with humans here after all. Spock was the only one smart enough to figure out what was going on in what little time you gave us. Otherwise neither one of us would have let him do it!”

 

The Vian eyed the doctor with what almost looked like amusement.

 

“Don’t worry, doctor,” he said derisively. “You too have consistently proven how much you care. Treating his wounds…”

 

“That’s my _job_!” McCoy erupted. “Of course I’m treating him.”

 

“You made healing your job because it is your nature,” the Vian commented dismissively. “We allowed it – even aided you – because it serves our purpose to have him believe that you care about him too.”

 

“We _do_ care about him,” Kirk spat angrily. “And you will tell me why you’re doing this.”

 

The Vian positively smirked. It was an unsettling sight.

 

“Vulcans, captain,” he explained, “are… difficult. We were very much intrigued with your friend the last time we met and thrilled that we made himself the subject of our study this time around. But to get him to betray his emotions… we needed to weaken him physically.”

 

Kirk’s eyes narrowed. “What are you saying?” he demanded.

 

“What I’m saying, captain, is that all that we’ve done so far has merely been a prelude. Your First Officer is about to take part in our final experiment.”

 

He turned to the other Vian and nodded. Momentarily, the other Vian activated the device in his hand – a tool Kirk remembered only too well from their last encounter with the Vians – and when Kirk and McCoy looked at the monitor showing the cell, Spock had disappeared.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

“Take a look, captain.” The Vian gestured to another monitor showing the icy surface of a frozen lake and on it two cages about five metres apart. Upon closer inspection, Kirk could see that one of the cages held Spock, lying on the ice just like he’d lain on the cot moments earlier. He was pressed up against the bars of the cage and next to him there was a gaping hole in the ice – Kirk feared he would move and inadvertently slip into it. The other cage was empty save for a similar, though much smaller, hole. A third, larger hole was located another two metres away from the empty cage.

 

As Kirk and McCoy watched apprehensively, Spock began to stir, whether awoken by the sudden change in temperature or by the will of the Vians they couldn’t be sure. The Vulcan slowly sat up and groggily took in his new surroundings. He shakily stood up and walked abound the perimeter of the cage, mindful of the hole in the middle – a scene oddly reminiscent of the room where they had encountered the acid.

 

Suddenly, with the familiar flash and pop, two more figures appeared on the scene and McCoy upon seeing them, grabbed Kirk’s arm to reassure himself that his friend was still in the room with him, for what they were seeing on the screen, just like Spock was seeing it from his cage, were their own bodies, lying prone to either side of the hole in the ice in the other cage.

 

The Vian who had been silent for the duration of their conversation with his companion used the device in his hands to produce a close-up of Spock as he took in what the Vulcan clearly believed to be his friends. Kirk and McCoy could make out the First Officer’s anxiety between his stoically composed features.

 

“Captain! Doctor!” Spock shouted across the ice. And when no reply came from the mirages, “Jim? Leonard!” but to no avail.

 

McCoy noted with dismay how the knuckles on Spock already white with cold hands whitened a little more as he grabbed the bars of his prison, staring over to where he believed his friends were lying unconscious.

 

Spock’s eyes were fixed on the other cage so that, when there finally was a movement, he noticed immediately. It was not, however, what he had hoped for. For rather than his friends moving, thus giving an indication of whether they were alive, it was the icy which stared to move, more specifically, the hole in the ice separating the fake Kirk and Spock from the cold water below began to grow larger and larger.

 

“Jim, Leonard!” Spock tried again.

 

The real Kirk and McCoy watched helplessly as their friend shouted their names. At the rate the hole was growing the fake Kirk and McCoy would soon be swallowed up and slip into the ice-cold lake. Spock evidently realized this too. He turned around, eying the hole in the ice inside his cage, measuring the distance to the other cage and then the distance between that cage and the hole without a cage with his eyes.

 

Kirk and McCoy looked on, horrified.

 

“Please,” the doctor stammered. “He can’t dive into that lake. He’s too weak as it is, he’ll never make it, it’s gonna kill him. Please stop this! Please!” He turned to the Vians, his face pleading.

 

“What are you trying to prove?” Kirk addressed the Vians angrily. “That he’d give his life for us? I think you already know that! It’s not like you’re looking to save his planet like you did with Gem’s. Why are you doing this?”

 

“You are correct, captian,” the Vian who had been talking earlier replied. “We have decided that we are no longer interested in saving entire species. In fact, Gem’s species has proven to be… disappointing. Not all of them were as worthy as she was. We have realized that it makes little sense to judge an entire species by the actions of one of its members. But we found that we…missed the process of evaluation, so we have been seeking out some of the more… interesting individuals we have encountered on our travels and tested them for a particularly fascinating emotion.”

 

Kirk was fuming. “So all of this actually has no purpose?” he spat. “You’re just indulging some perverse desire to torture people and analyse their reactions?”

 

The Vian shrugged. “Your friend is a contestant in a competition, Kirk. There even is a prize...”

 

“Oh yeah?” Kirk barked angrily. “And what prize is that?”

 

The Vian smiled faintly. “Grief, captain. Grief is the prize.”

 

At that moment, McCoy who had been watching Spock on the monitor all the while let out a yell. Kirk whipped around only to see his First Officer jumping head first into the icy lake.

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

“NO!” both Kirk and McCoy shouted as they stared at the now empty cage. Tense seconds ticked by as they waited for Spock to resurface, but nothing happened.

 

Always the doctor, McCoy grew more and more agitated as the tried to calculate how much Spock’s weakened state and the shock of the cold would reduce the ability of his Vulcan metabolism to adjust to the adverse conditions and for him to safely reach the surface again.

 

When even the time it should take were Spock in perfect health had run out, McCoy stormed over to the Vians.

 

“Do something!” He demanded. “Do something right now or he’s not going to survive this!”

 

The Vians looked at each other.

 

“Are you sure you wish to save him?” one of the Vians asked. “If he lives, there will be more suffering.”

 

“Yes, we’re damned sure we want to save him!” the doctor shouted. “Get him out, now!”

 

The Vian nodded to his companion, who pressed their strange device. Immediately, Spock re-appeared on the cot in the cell, dripping water and completely unresponsive.

 

“Let me go to him!” McCoy shouted desperately, staring at the monitor showing the cell’s interior. “He needs to have his lungs pumped and his core temperature elevated NOW!”

 

“Already taken care of, doctor,” the Vian commented dispassionately. “He will wake up momentarily. But when he does, we wouldn’t want him to be alone, would we?”

 

With another flash and pop, the fake Kirk and McCoy appeared in the cell on the floor next to Spock. McCoy had to suppress a shudder upon seeing them for if he had ever seen a perfect impression of drowned bodies, this was it. It was eerie to see Jim and himself looking like two cold, wet corpses. He closed his eyes.

 

“Please don’t do this to him,” he whispered.

 

Kirk, hit with a sudden realization cursed under his breath. “Grief is the prize…” he mumbled, repeating what the Vian had told him earlier. “You’re making him think we’re dead…”

 

“And he will think that he failed to save you.” The Vian grinned triumphantly.

 

“You’re disgusting!” McCoy shouted at them. “Despicable!”

 

“Are we, doctor?” the Vian asked nonchalantly. “Are you not an advocate for experiencing human emotions? Did not you, Captain Kirk, when we last met, urge us to put intellect aside and engage with the very emotions we elicit in our subjects?”

 

McCoy, lost for words, licked his lips nervously, but Kirk clenched his fists defiantly.

 

“Yes, I did,” he whispered. “But you’re not, are you?” he added more audibly. “Again, you’re just making others experience emotions – _you’re_ not feeling anything, otherwise you would never do this to anyone. And you know what I think? I think you wouldn’t be able to take it! If you had to feel what Spock will feel when he wakes up, it would destroy you!”

 

He did not mention that he thought it might just destroy Spock too, but glared at the Vians challengingly.

 

“Why don’t you try it?” he demanded, his eyes narrowing. “I think you might find the experience…fascinating.”

 

The Vians exchanged a glance and their regular interlocutor raised an eyebrow.

 

“A challenge, captain?” he asked. “Most intriguing. So you believe we cannot handle experiencing the emotions of a Vulcan, the most emotionally repressed species in the universe?”

 

The Vian smirked. “I am inclined to agree to your proposal. But if we are going to play your game, there should be a wager attached, don’t you think? If we, as you believe, cannot handle the Vulcan’s emotions, you will be free to go. If, on the other hand, we have no such difficulty, we will take the rest of your crew for further experiments. Do we have a deal, captain?”

 

Kirk hesitated for a moment. He had no idea what these apparently all-powerful beings could or could not handle. On the other hand, he could not see much of an alternative to what the Vian had proposed. At least it gave them a chance of escape. He took a deep breath.

 

“Agreed,” he said, trying to sound more confident than he felt and hating himself for striking a deal that would involve Spock suffering and potentially putting the rest of his crew in danger.

 

“Jim,” McCoy who was still intently watching the monitor showing the cell cut in. “Jim, Spock’s waking up.”

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

Lying on his stomach, his head turned to the wall, Spock slowly raised himself onto his forearms, shivering and coughing violently. Whatever the Vians had done for him, McCoy realized, had been a superficial job. Clearly, Spock was still cold and his lungs far from clear. The doctor’s heart constricted painfully as he watched his friend struggle to sit up.

 

Kirk, too, was watching his First Officer with apprehension, but he forced himself to look at the Vians for a moment to check whether they were preparing to tap into Spock’s emotions as promised. It did appear that way, the quiet one seemed to be concentrating while pressing their powerful device, and the next moment, both of the Vians’ faces took on a somewhat confused, disoriented look, just like – Kirk glanced back at the monitor – the look on Spock’s face as he surveyed his surroundings.

 

For a moment, the Vulcan did not seem to register what he was seeing, but in another instant he locked eyes on the two bodies lying in the cell with him and almost fell off the cot, trying to hurry over to them, panic clear on his face and oddly reflected in the faces of the two Vians.

 

Spock’s hands where shaking as he knelt down between the fake Kirk and McCoy, placing a hand on each of their necks to check for a pulse. Finding none, his breathing began to quicken.

 

“No,” he mumbled, his hands sliding frantically down the bodies to where their hearts would be located. “NO!” he said again, more forcefully, as he began CPR on both of his friends simultaneously – using all of his Vulcan strength in spite of his weakened state – and pressing down on their hearts a precise 120 times per minute after which he first tilted the fake Kirk’s head back, breathing for him, and then did the same for the fake McCoy. During the second round, McCoy was the first to receive the kiss of life and then Kirk, and so Spock continued for another 9 rounds of CPR.

 

McCoy could hardly watch the scenes on the monitor. _If only Spock still had his tricorder, he could easily tell that’s not really us_ , he thought. But the tricorder had been left behind in the anti-grav chamber. McCoy could tell Spock was getting tired and winced in sympathy. Though thanks to medical technology available nowadays it was rare to have to perform CPR manually, the doctor had had to do it a good number of times and knew how exhausting it was. And not just physically. If it was a machine doing it, stopping that machine at some point was much easier than stopping manual compressions because you were so close to the person, even if it was clear that person was already gone… Spock, of course, was doing it on two people simultaneously, double the effort, double the responsibility. McCoy shuddered.

 

Kirk, meanwhile, was glancing back and forth between the monitor and the Vians. First, Spock had had a determined look on his face but now as he grew weaker and his efforts seemed to be in vain, that look slowly changed into desperation. Kirk had never seen the Vulcan display emotions so openly, but either he did not now he was being watched or he did not care. Kirk wasn’t sure what was more unsettling – seeing Spock unravel or seeing it being mirrored on the Vians’ faces.

 

Finally, Spock could continue no longer and he withdrew his hands from his friends’ bodies, collapsing between their still bodies. Still kneeling on the floor, Spock burying his head in his hands, tremors running through his body. Kirk and McCoy could no longer see their friend’s face but their captors’ faces showed intense agony before going completely blank. Spock remained on the floor for a couple of minutes during which Kirk and McCoy exchanged a couple of anxious glances but didn’t speak a word, at a loss what to do or say. Then, the Vulcan suddenly rose to his feet, stumbled over into a corner of his cell and was violently sick. It was a pitiful sight, matched only by that of the two usually austere Vians following suit.

 

Spock grabbed the cell’s wall for support as he stumbled back, finally sliding down into a sitting position, his back against the wall, face pale and eyes closed. A single tear trickled down his cheek. Kirk and McCoy exchanged another sombre look. All of a sudden, however, their surroundings became blurred and when they slid back into focus, they found themselves on the Enterprise.

 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

Kirk and McCoy looked around in utter confusion. They were not in the transporter room but in the rec room, crewmen chatting and laughing all around them but not paying them any attention. Kirk walked over to Lieutenants Riley and Sulu who were deeply engaged in conversation.

 

“Sulu!” he said urgently. “Doctor McCoy and I were just transported here. Do you know what’s going on, did Mr Scott…” he trailed off, realizing that neither Sulu nor Riley seemed to be listening to him.

 

“Riley, Sulu,” he said more strictly, “I am your captain and I demand…”

 

“Jim,” McCoy interrupted him, touching him on the arm. “Look.”

 

Kirk turned to where McCoy was pointing and froze. The Vians were standing against one of the walls of the room, their faced still holding the same pained expression they had seen on Spock’s face moments earlier. Kirk’s head reeled. He tore his gaze away from the Vians and his heart skipped a beat when he saw Spock sitting at a table close to them, calmly setting up the board for a game of three-dimensional chess.

 

Kirk hurried over to him, touching him on the shoulder.

 

“Spock,” he whispered, but the Vulcan did not respond. Instead he raised his head, looking right through Kirk and a warm look spread on his face.

 

“Captain, doctor,” he said, nodding politely.

 

Kirk whipped around and saw himself and Doctor McCoy walking towards Spock. He stepped back in surprise, watching his double take the chair opposite Spock and the doctor settling between them.

 

“Jim!” Kirk jumped as the real Doctor McCoy approached him. “What the blazes is going on here?”

 

Kirk watched as Spock and his double began the chess game while Spock and McCoy’s double simultaneously began a verbal sparring match. He swallowed hard.

 

“Bones… we’re not on the Enterprise… we’re still down on the planet. And I think we’re in Spock’s memories.”

 

McCoy gaped at him. “We are _what_?”

 

“That’s why the Vians are here.” Kirk glanced over at them. “They tapped into Spock’s emotions because I said they couldn’t handle it. They must be projecting Spock’s memories. He thinks we’re dead and now…” his voice broke, “he’s remembering us…when we were alive.”

 

“Oh God.” McCoy looked crestfallen. “Jim, he must be here, too, then.” The doctor craned his neck and, sure enough, spotted the real Spock sitting at the far end of the room. He presented a stark contrast to the happy and healthy looking Spock playing chess next to them, the cut on his chest still oozing blood, his still, ghostly pale face with his eyes closed.

 

“We have to let him know we’re alive,” McCoy burst out. “Let’s go!”

 

But Kirk grabbed him firmly by the arm.

 

“No, Bones, I’m sorry,” he said, his eyes pained. “I’m so sorry but we can’t.”

 

“What do you mean we can’t, Jim? He’s right there.”

 

“We can’t Bones,” Kirk said, looking defeated, “ because I made a deal with the Vians, remember? I said they wouldn’t be able to handle Spock’s emotions and if I’m wrong, they get the entire crew for experiments.”

 

At that moment, the scene around them dissolved once again and they were suddenly in sickbay. Spock and McCoy’s double were standing in a doorway with nurse chapel.

 

“There can be no excuse for the crime of which I’m guilty,” Spock’s double stated. “I intend to offer no defence. Furthermore, I shall order Mr Scot to take immediate command of this vessel.”

 

Kirk’s double approached Spock’s from behind. “Don’t you think you better check with me first?” he asked.

 

Spock’s double whipped around. “Captain!” he exclaimed. “Jim!” breaking into a smile.

 

Their surroundings dissolved once more and they were back in the lair of the Vians, however, this was the one they had escaped six months ago. McCoy’s double was lying there dying and Spock was holding his hands and his head as he coughed.

 

“You’ve got a good bedside manner, Spock,” McCoy’s double said weakly.

 

As the scene dissolved before their eyes once more, McCoy grabbed Kirk’s arm.

 

“Jim, if this goes on much longer, I think I’m the one who won’t be able to handle Spock’s emotions.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any suggestions what else Spock should remember? In case it wasn't clear from the chapter, I'm working with TOS here ;)


	10. Chapter 10

Kirk swallowed and only nodded at McCoy’s remark. He felt the same way. Suddenly, they were standing in his own quarters, Spock and McCoy’s doubles standing in front of a screen watching the tape Kirk had recorded for them to watch in the event of his death. _So, they did watch it_ , Kirk thought. He had always suspected but never been sure. “It does hurt, doesn’t it?” McCoy’s double asked once the tape had finished and Spock’s double replied “What would you have me say, doctor?”

 

The scenes began to change more rapidly. One moment they were looking at McCoy treating the Horta’s wound with silicone, the next, they saw Kirk catching Spock in his arms after mind-melding with Nomad, then McCoy helping the pregnant Capellan woman Eleen climb a hill. The scenes around them now changed with a speed that allowed them only to glimpse a face here or an expression there before whatever they were seeing was replaced with the next image.

 

Briefly, Kirk and McCoy saw themselves tied to a high pole, then unconscious in a cage on a frozen lake and then, the succession of images stopped and all they saw where their own still bodies in the cell. While the other images had been accompanied by sound, speech, or at least fragments thereof, this one was eerily quiet.

 

Kirk and McCoy, both holding their breath, looked at each other, each noticing that the other’s face was wet. Then, the cacophony of sounds and images resumed, only this time, they realized, they were seeing other painful moments from Spock’s life. Vulcan children teasing him during his youth on Vulcan, his pet sehlat I-Chaya dying, his father turning away in disgust as he displayed human emotions, endless moments of loneliness  - at the academy, then on the Enterprise under Captain Pike’s command – until… memories of moments he had shared with Kirk and McCoy resumed – McCoy holding a tribble, Kirk and Spock aboard the Romulan ship stealing the cloaking device – and they were back to the two bodies in the cell, and then… snow.

 

Kirk and McCoy looked around in confusion. They were outside in the biting cold. They turned around and saw the Vians lying on the ground, apparently unconscious. Around twenty metres in the other direction, there was another prone figure in the snow. _Spock_.

 

They ran to the Vulcan’s side, Kirk cradling Spock’s head in his lap while McCoy frantically checked him over. “He’s alive, Jim, just out cold,” he explained noticing Kirk’s worried glances. “We need to get him back to the ship.”

 

Kirk looked around. “Well, now that we can see that the building we were trapped in was just a projection by the Vians, it shouldn’t be too hard to find our equipment. Stay with Spock, I’ll see if I can find a communicator."

 

Kirk returned after only a couple of minutes, waving the device at McCoy. “Found them and they’re working. Scotty will beam us up as soon as I signal him again.”

 

McCoy nodded. “What about them?” he asked nodding on the direction of the Vians.

 

“What _about_ them?” Kirk asked angrily. “You’re not suggesting we take them, are you?”

 

McCoy pressed his lips together. “At least let me go check on them,” he mumbled and walked over to the two aliens.

 

Just as he bent down to see if the Vians were alive – not that he really knew how as he knew nothing about their anatomy - they both opened their eyes and rose to their feet. McCoy took a couple of steps back, cursing himself for possibly having missed their only chance of escape. But, to his surprise, the walls that had surrounded them earlier did not reappear. Instead, the Vian who had made the bargain with Kirk began to speak.

 

“Captain,” he intoned sombrely, “you were right. The Vulcan’s emotions were overwhelming for us. We have shut ourselves off from truly feeling anything for too long. I am ashamed of the pain we inflicted, on you, on him and on so many other beings. The love he feels for you… it is extraordinary. And the grief he experienced when he thought you dead… I have never felt anything like it before. I am humbled. And I apologize. You are free to go.”

 

Looking at Spock’s still face that looked pale even against the snow he was lying in, Kirk was tempted to tell the Vian that his apology meant nothing, but he bit back the words. After all, it had been him who had agreed to wager Spock’s feelings. He only nodded.

 

“Three to beam up, Scotty,” he said tiredly and they disappeared in a sparkle.

 

***

 

Two hours after their escape from the ice planet, Kirk was listening to the soft, reassuring beeping of the biobed monitor. He had watched McCoy heal all of Spock’s wounds, the cut on his chest, the burns on his back and treat the symptoms of hypothermia. The beeping was good. It meant his life signs were stable, and yet...

 

“Why hasn’t he woken up, Bones?” Kirk asked quietly, worry creeping into his voice.

 

McCoy gave him a sympathetic smile. “Exhaustion… shock. Jim, I could wake him up now and he’d be fine…physically, but I’d rather he came to naturally.”

 

Kirk nodded. “You said he’ll be fine physically. What about…?”

 

McCoy’s lips tightened into a thin line. “I don’t know, Jim. Remember what he was like when the Platonians forced emotions out of him? And this was about a hundred times worse, I’d say.”

 

Kirk smiled sadly. “I shouldn’t have agreed to it. I should have…”

 

“Jim,” McCoy interrupted. “They would have done it anyway. All you did was cause them to burn a fuse when they couldn’t handle Spock’s feelings.”

 

“An interesting, though largely incorrect analogy, doctor.”

 

“Spock!” Kirk and McCoy exclaimed simultaneously.

 

“How are you feeling?” McCoy asked.

 

Spock raised an eyebrow. “A particularly insensitive question, doctor, considering the circumstances.”

 

McCoy huffed. “He’s fine, Jim,” he laughed. “Still very much himself.”

 

“To answer your question, doctor,” Spock said, “I would feel… better if I could reassure myself that you are indeed _your_ self…and you, Jim.” He looked at his friends earnestly and pleading.

 

“Of course, Spock,” Kirk said softly, stepping towards the bed. “How can we…”

 

“Like this,” Spock offered, extending a hand towards each of his friends. Kirk and McCoy grasped a hand each and the moment their hands made contact with Spock’s, a shadow of pain went over the Vulcan’s face and he exhaled sharply, trying to retain his composure but a tear rolled down hi cheek in spite of his efforts.

 

“Thank you,” he said, but did not let go. “I had not dared to hope, but you _are_ real, you _are_ alive. I was afraid you were the mirages and the two men I could not save were real.”

 

“Oh, Spock…” McCoy was lost for words but Kirk tried to explain: “That was just the Vians’ doing. The were playing a perverse game where, as they said ‘grief was the prize.’”

 

Spock nodded. “A perversion of a well-known Earth saying, I believe. _Grief is the price we pay for love_. And I am surprised to find… it is a price I am willing to pay.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I'm torturing Spock again and yes, this is just the beginning... stay tuned!


End file.
